Brain Dump from the Archives

Silly musings from a girl discovering herself

This post is very different from my prior ones. I was browsing through my archives and came across quite a few gems that I felt like sharing. These are all short samples of writing that never turned into more… but maybe they’re perfect in their unfinished rawness.

From shoddy poems to unfiltered reflections on self, they all question the state of being. Who am I? Who are you? What the hell are we doing? Living, I guess.

2018

Have you ever viewed supernovas as brain synapses. They greatly reflect each other. What if we are all just the thoughts and imaginings of another greater being that is the universe.

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I became obsessed. I counted every freckle on her body until instead of seeing stars in the sky, she was the sky and her freckles the stars. I knew her so well. She became my reality until I couldn’t tell what was real anymore. I only saw her.

I was too busy counting her freckles to realize I could also count her ribs.

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Do you ever feel disconnected from your own timeline? It was two weeks out from the trip yesterday, I was itching for today to come. But I spent every dragging minute waiting for this trip, and here I am.

2019

Do you direct your mind and think around until you land on a topic interesting enough to consume your thoughts? Or do you follow your thoughts and let them decide?

I was driving, listening to loud music thinking about the mountains. How they’re made… back to my elementary learning. I went back to the start to understand, to fill in the blanks.

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When your mind keeps playing out scenarios, I don’t think of it as overthinking. I’m playing out multiple stories, I’m a storyteller.

That’s why I react against my character. I’m playing out a story in my head to see if it’s true. Does the script in my head follow real life? No, it never does. I need to stop playing out the story and start listening to my logic.

2020

Joint.

Pop, pop, pop

Like a bad habit I take on when I’m nervous

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It’s interesting how your perspective changes based on experiences of working with others who see differently. Working so closely with video and animation, I see all video media differently. When I watch TV, I now watch for the scene changes, based on comic book layout. I imagine what the storyboard looks like when they are pitching episodes.

I think of everything as storylines. I’m playing the main character of my life, reading the script over and over in my mind as I move through mundane tasks. That’s why I’m the imposter.

2021

What is time?

But a minute, day, or hour?

Quite contrary, that’s arbitrary.

True time cannot be defined,

Until it’s seen for its true nature.

Time is a rotation.

But when I’m asked what time is, I don’t know how to explain.

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Why am I so afraid to shine?

I limit myself with my thoughts even though my beliefs are expansive.

I cry the name of love, but revert to fear. Fear of success, fear of failure. Fear pinning me to exactly where I am, where I’ve always been.

Thinking in circles, in circles, in circles. As I follow the spiral of thoughts, I find the root cause. The roots are deep, seeking continues.

I now see patterns, connections, pinpoints throughout history that intricately interlace to create the fabric of me… of society… of humans.

I see, but I am blind. Flailing about in darkness, groping for meaning, connection to higher purpose.

Staying in the moment, letting go of limiting beliefs of the past. Hopeful for the future, but feet planted firmly on the path of growth. Potential for the future, but seeing now for what it is.

So why am I so afraid to shine?

2022

I consistently prove to my friends and family that they can trust me through my integrity. But I also have the habit of confirming that trust through “you can trust me.” Is the need to have others trust me fueled by my desire to have enough people trust me so that I trust myself? I mean I trust myself, but do I?

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I don’t begrudge my past selves, they had the courage to become who I am.

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You are what you consume. Why not sing “I’m amazing, bitch. And you know it.” Lol. Literally your surface personality is bits and pieces of what you consume. The type of music you listen to, what you read, watch, etc. That fact you heard…

Are we not all little bits of data strung together randomly?

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Clothes are decorations on the holy temple that is your body. Dress it with reverence. Dress it as if preparing for the worship of life.