Dating and Waiting for a Full Body Yes

All the single ladies (and lads), all the single ladies (and lads)

I recently discussed unconditional love. Toward the end of the article, I admitted my desire to be loved specially and for sacred partnership. I believe this is a shared desire among most of us. This article will explore what it takes to call in sacred partnership. This is the third in a series of articles discussing love—check out Contemplations About Romantic Love and Living from the Heart.

Romantic Relationship vs. Sacred Partnership

I discussed this in Contemplations About Romantic Love, but it’s worth reiterating here since this is an important distinction that provides nuance to the rest of the article.

You can be in a romantic relationship with anyone. There are varying degrees of connection, compatibility, and commitment. In any type of relationship, patterns of behavior are brought to light, and depending on the levels of awareness, these patterns typically play an unconscious role. Patters that may play out are two “halves” coming together to be whole, cycles of possession, collection of another to give further identity to self, etc.

In a sacred partnership/union, two individuals who have already done the inner work and view themselves as whole (whether in relationship or not) come together, so they are able to reside in a third energy of love. A sacred partnership is deeper than just relationship, it’s rising in love, it’s walking each other home. Rising in love via sacred partnership is being so dedicated to your own soul’s evolution, that you are choosing to walk the path with another to reflect back to you the depths of your soul. Rising in love is not only seeing the union as sacred, but the paths of both partners as sacred as well. This is someone who you would consider a soulmate, and deeper still, they’re your “one”—or, at least you hope them to be.

But, to get to the elusive sacred union, we have to be forged in the fire first—or less daunting, let go of societal conditioning and ingrained patterns, discover what we need and cultivate within what we desire, and surrender to the opportunity to be fully loved.

Let Go of Societal Pressure

Recently, my parents were in town and my dad basically asked when am I going to settle down, as I’m “getting old.” I chuckled, at 27 I’m still a fresh hatchling when it comes to life—there is so much life to be lived and things to experience.

While I easily brushed it off in that moment, this is a conversation I’ve had many times with older people in my life. That is to say, it’s a very common experience, especially among women. As we approach our late and even mid-20s, the conversation around our love life changes. It is now the expectation that we seek serious partnership, get married, and start building a family. I am not above these desires—in fact, I deeply desire life partnership with someone who wants to build a family and life together.

BUT, the societal pressure and tone of conversation lends to quickly settling with someone to progress these dreams. Society wants us to settle… to fill a role, to reproduce, to assign away our power and desires to take care of others at the expense of ourselves.

I refuse to settle. And I blatantly told my father this. When you have everything going for you—the universe is always conspiring in my favor (and yours)—there is no reason to rush the process. I’d rather take my time, living life to the fullest, and be open to the opportunity of meeting the right person at the right time. Optimism, wishful thinking, surrender… call it whatever you want, but I'm at peace with being single, I thoroughly enjoy dating and meeting new people, I'm not resenting being with someone who isn't the right fit, and I'm not losing sleep over the what ifs of the past.

I don’t have it all figured out, far from it, but I'm content in the here and now, I'm living a life full of love—regardless of my relationship status. This is living an embodiment of love.

My timeline for love is mine, your timeline for love is yours—other people will always be moving faster or slower toward similar outcomes, but that doesn’t need to affect the pace you or I go. This is where we’re pressured to fit into a box or timeline that isn’t meant for us, to keep up with the Jones, to settle for tolerable or good enough.

And this is the message I have to share with you. Hoping off my soapbox… and onto the stage, let's get into the juicy stuff.

How Did I Get Here

Cue Odesza. Jokes aside, THIS has not been my experience for most of my dating life. I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be in romantic love. Further, I didn’t even know what true romantic love felt like—I still don’t know the full extent of it—I was in love with the future, the idea. You can only meet people at the depth you’ve met yourself—if you’re confused about what you want/like/need, the relationship will reflect that.

Dating in your late 20s is totally different than dating in your early 20s. My early 20s were spent in longer term relationships, playing out patterns that were deeply ingrained within me. I lacked awareness and life experience.

You can only meet people at the depth you’ve met yourself. You seek out what is unconscious within you. This results in dating people from a more “wounded” space. I was shown this over and over again with the people I attracted in my early 20s. They were lessons to help me transcend patterns. Once you unravel these patterns within self, you’re granted the freedom to attract in different types of people.

Patterns are not always a bad thing, but when they’re unconscious, you are not aware of the affect they have on your life. Awareness and conscious intent are the only way through. Once we’re aware, we can intentionally seek partnership, otherwise, our unconscious patterns will choose the partner for us.

Relationships (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) are our greatest teachers. Everyone is a mirror, you will always be reflected back to. Use your mirrors to reflect on your reflections. Relationships are a catalyst for growth, so invite them in.

Date Around and Date Some More

I spent all of 2022 casually dating—I can’t tell you the number of men that I went on dates with. It was the most fabulous, fun year of my life. Why? Because I was dating to discover and dating for partnership. For the first time ever, I wasn’t tied to the outcome of dating, i.e., seeking a relationship. Rather, I was dating to genuinely get to know the other person without expectations and learn what I liked, didn’t like, and if we were actually compatible. This takes being radically authentic and honest with yourself and the other person.

What’s the difference between dating for partnership and dating for relationship? Simply, in partnership, the person you are dating is the focus, and in relationship, the outcome of creating a relationship is the focus, no matter who the person is (I’m dating because I want a boy/girlfriend). When you’re dating to put a label on it, the standards are usually lower because you want the label which is typically coming from an internal place of lack vs. dating with discernment about the quality and compatibility of the other person. This isn’t cut and dry, but it’s a good distinction in terminology to analyze and understand your motives while dating.

When you are not tied to seeking a relationship with the person at the expense of meeting all your needs in relationship, it’s pretty easy to quickly discover if there will be longevity with the person. This is especially important for people pleasers (hi, it’s me). I’ve caught myself in so many traps of being out of integrity with myself because I stuck around with someone I knew wasn’t the right fit but they were good enough—they really liked me and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or have the hard conversation.

I know I’m not the only one. There are many things to be said about this behavior—it’s operating from a place of lack of self worth, settling or not believing what you desire is attainable, and naivety in both what you desire and possibilities of what/who is out there. Harsh, I know, but I’m being real and honest since we’re already here having this conversation. And, I’m speaking to my younger self just as much as I’m speaking to you, reader.

I’m only sharing all of this to make the point that it is so important to date around, not necessarily sleep around (although do what you want), to truly understand what you want and need in partnership. You don’t know what you don’t know. And if you don’t have the experience, you only have a small pool of data to rely on and the opinions/beliefs of others.

So I did just that. I dropped the BS and challenged myself to be radically authentic in how I showed up in dating. I dated men from all walks of life. We all have our type. I threw that out the window to see if my type was really my type, and I discovered what I’m truly attracted to. I’ve noticed that when you only date a certain type of person, there’s probably an underlying pattern at play… whether that’s good or bad (the pattern is usually informed by how you were raised).

This was a journey of self discovery just as much as it was exploratory.

Full Body Yes

My year of casual dating was such a beautiful learning experience. I discovered what I need from a partner… to make me feel safe, to light me on fire with desire, to feel seen and heard… I learned about boundaries, compatibility, authenticity. Most importantly, I learned what a full body yes feels like, which starkly illuminated my prior placid partnerships.

Full disclosure, I’ve only ever felt that full body yes once in my life. And while the relationship was only a couple months, it was one of the most expansive experiences of my life. I was consistently challenged to show up fully and faced with beautiful mirrors and opportunities for growth. To step into myself more fully. I realized how shallow of a love life I was leading prior and it was really due to me acquiescing my energy to half-hearted situations, but not knowing any better. You don’t know what you don’t know.

Now, just because I’ve only felt a full body yes with one person doesn’t mean that I discount all my other past lovers. I loved them to the depth I was able to at the time and learned many valuable lessons from those relationships—they have all had a hand is shaping who I’ve become. But now that I’ve had the experience of a full body yes, that is my baseline expectation for partnership. The more you date, the higher (or more realistically, the truer to self) your standards are. You are aligning by trial and error, simply, the more trials you experience, the more aligned you become.

So, what is a full body yes and what does it feel like? I can only speak from my lived experience—and each person’s experience is a little different. A full body yes means my mind, body, heart, and soul are “turned on” by the other person. All aspects of your self are interested in the other person. This isn’t necessarily love at first sight, rather, an activation of love, attraction, energy at all levels of being.

Mind: Conversation is always interesting and challenging—for me, that’s talking about everything: the universe, books, philosophy, spirituality, abstract concepts, the human experience, etc. … What ever you like talking about, this person matches that energy and intrigues you to think about things from new perspectives. Maybe this is a no shit, but if you are naturally a deep thinker, you know that not everyone can match that level of reflection—and that’s okay. All I’m saying is the mind needs to be fully engaged to whatever your level is for a full body yes.

Body: This is the most obvious, you are physically attracted to the other person. Even the things you would normally find cringy are hot or endearing. I’m talking more than just looks though, this is also their smell, their expressions, how they carry themselves, physical intimacy and sex, how they interact in the world, etc.

Heart: There is a deeper level of attraction past the physical. They instantly unlock the place of love within you, even if you aren’t in the “in love” phase yet. You feel love in their presence. And more literally, you appreciate their emotional range, how the see the world, what they’re passionate about, etc. This is where vulnerable intimacy lives.

Soul: This is different for every person. For me, it’s the feeling of the other person being a soulmate, they feel familiar, they light your being on fire, or there’s something about them that you just innately and intimately know. Or, knowing that your souls are on similar paths, like embodying love or enlightenment or simply deeply living in the present moment. Depending on your world view, this could also be living with similar belief systems, like religion, atheism, or spirituality.

A lot of this comes down to compatibility, although, compatibility plays in the mental realm of considerations (there are other compatibility considerations that are necessary, someone can be a full body yes, but they’re not necessarily your life partner or sacred union), whereas this is body wisdom. Similar to the saying, “if it’s not a hell yes, than it’s a no,” your body knows what a full yes feels like.

… Waiting for a Full Body Yes

Because we’re brutally honest here, I must admit that I’m currently consciously not dating. I have closed the prior chapter because I learned what I needed from that phase of life. I mention this because even the excitement of dating can start to feel monotonous when it loses its intention/purpose or the lessons are learned and embodied. I know what I like, want, and need and my soul is seeking a deeper experience with my Beloved—I am being called forward to experience sacred partnership.

That’s not to say I’ll never casually date again… all dating starts out casual, silly. But, I’m no longer intentionally seeking out people to date, rather, I’m just living life and allowing those relationships to develop more organically. Further, on this journey of self discovery, I’ve reached the point where I’ve built such a beautiful life for myself, I am following all of my dreams. Now it’s going to take someone really special to enhance that, because I’ve found everything I’ve ever wanted within myself. I’ve spent the time learning what I desire in another person and I’ve done the inner work. If I’m not listening to my intuition, I’m just enabling myself to be distracted (distraction isn’t always a bad thing! I’m just currently in a different phase).

This doesn’t mean I’m not curious about those who cross my path. If someone interests me, I entertain the feelings and date with discernment, knowing that I won’t be in partnership with someone until I feel a full body yes. We live in a culture that says date and settle or you’re going to be alone forever. But that’s not the case when you’re living in an abundant mindset, there is so much opportunity for connection with other beautiful humans.

A full body yes is now my bare minimum. Now that I’ve experienced that level of connection, why would I cheat myself and the other person with experiences that are less than? This choice takes great integrity with self and soul.

A big life lesson I’ve learned through this is that I’m not going to try to force something that’s not the right fit because I desire it now. That’s swimming upstream.

Cultivate That Which You Seek

Now that you, hopefully, know what you desire, start cultivating that within self. Why? Because you attract what you are. If you desire an emotionally mature partner, but you get riled up at every little inconvenience, an emotionally mature person isn’t going to be attracted to that pattern. If you desire someone who is super connected to nature, but you never spend time outside, when and where are you supposedly going to meet?

When you align yourself with your truth, everything starts to flow. Everything you desire in another can be realized within, and it’s meant to be manifested within you. You simply need to take the action to manifest it.

From the single side, it is so important to figure out what you actually want vs. what society or the ego wants and then cultivate all that within yourself. This enables you to move past dating from a place of lack, that is seeking someone to “fill” an area of life or desire.

Here’s an easy example, let’s take conventional beauty—we all know conventionally beautiful people. Let’s say you’re dating someone who is conventionally attractive—maybe your ego likes that when you walk into a room together, you know everyone thinks your partner is beautiful, and therefore, you feel validated and special because you’re with the most attractive person in the room. But are you actually attracted to them? No one can deny that they’re beautiful, but does your body sing with attraction when you look at them? Maybe yes, maybe no. Or even more likely in this scenario, you prioritized their beauty over a mind connection or lifestyle compatibility.

If you succumb to dating from a place of lack, you will never be truly met, because you are sacrificing your true need/desire to fill in the space where you feel the lack. Digging deeper, what pattern is at play within you that makes you feel invalid or lessor if your partner is not conventionally attractive?

Still using this example, how do you cultivate physical beauty if that’s where you feel lack? Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you can’t always change your looks, but you can change how you see yourself and the importance you place on beauty. Beauty isn’t just physical, it’s also mental and emotional and spiritual… and whatever calls to you is your version of beauty. It is up to you to answer the call.

It All Comes Back to Self

Honor whatever phase you’re in. Surrender to the timing of the Universe. Maybe you’re seeking sacred partnership, maybe you’re healing from that last doozy of a relationship, maybe you’re just now starting to discovering yourself, maybe you’re not dating at all but want to eventually. Every experience is valid. It’s okay to be distracted, we all go through phases where we attract in exactly what we need in that moment, whether it’s to heal or teach lessons or grow or learn…

If you are currently in a romantic relationship, you deserve all forms of love in the relationship in addition to the romance. Your needs for friendship, companionship, emotional availability, and genuine interest in activities together, in addition to sexual satisfaction is of utmost importance. If these aren’t being met, it’s an opportunity to meet yourself with deeper integrity and make the changes that are necessary for love to flourish.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. You must traverse the path of self discovery to access a sacred partnership. Transcend your patterns and biases so that you can align with and cultivate a really healthy relationship that is in service to your growth. Understanding what you want/need/desire, what you’re attracted to, and what patterns you consciously play out in relationships is the catalyst for sacred partnership. Why? You’ve taken the time to strip away the illusion of relationship and unearth the genuine love, acceptance, and soul connection.

Listen to your body in the process. Step up to the challenge of embodying your desires. You attract what you are, not what you want. Align yourself—be everything you could ever need for yourself. And then you will attract the person who is on the same level as you and can offer all the things your soul needs to grow.

The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is know your worth. Know you are worth love, to be respected, listened to, cherished. You deserve all the energy you put into the world back into you through relationships with people, animals, even objects… and yourself. You attract, just as you receive.

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Are you currently in a sacred union or desire a sacred partnership? What has your experience been? I’d love to hear your story <3