The Dueling Egos

Within the spiritual community there is a common saying: “kill the ego, feed the soul.”

The discussion on the ego is both interesting and convoluted—while this saying is valid and holds truth to spiritual growth, a big part of the conversation is missing. (Please note, for the sake of this conversation, I’m solely discussing ego through a spiritual lens, not Freud’s.)

As with everything in this world, there is a duality to ego (tangent—duality isn’t the only way, but that’s how we perceive everything until we learn to perceive one/all, it’s all a spectrum but we need contrast to give definition to and initially understand, I digress). On one hand, we see people acting and reacting from their ego, so tied up in identity, possession, and hierarchy—literally egoicly interacting with all experiences, seeing everything personally through the colored lens of their ego (this affects me, so I react).

This is the ego of the mind, which seeks to serve and preserve itself specifically through outward recognition and status. It sees a way to the “top” through competition and feels lack when it isn’t “best” or first or special. Because this state of ego intrinsically feels lack, it seeks to fill the void with consumption—money, possessions, people, distractions, etc. This is the ego we strive to starve, the exoteric ego we’re all familiar with and have probably lived dutifully by for most of our lives.

There are many quotes along the lines of the ego being a wonderful servant, but a lousy master. When the ego acts as master, offense, blame, mindless consumption, and the race to the top ensues. On the other hand, when the ego acts as the servant to the soul, we’re provided with the opportunity to thrive in this world.

This leads us to the equivocal ego—the ego that is so necessary to survive in this harsh world. I’m sure you’re familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You know, the pyramid with basic needs at the base and self-actualization at the peak. This ego ensures you not only satisfy your base needs, but you have the opportunity to transcend.

In the spiritual/conscious community, this latter ego is often never acknowledged. Any form of ego is often painted as lower dimensional and selfish even. But, news flash, we are living the human experience, we live and breath this lifetime in the “lower dimension” that is Earth. We are physically incarnated here, death is the only true escape from physicality (everything else is momentary escapism from reality). We are born human for a reason, you are incarnated in this lifetime for a reason (hint: to fully experience all life has to offer and grow from those experiences).

This ego is not selfish, it ensures you live. More than that, when put to work as a dutiful servant, it ensures you put your highest self and soul first. This ego creates the boundaries for us to flourish within the physical world—a necessity to follow your life path and achieve what you came here to do. This is the ego that provides the will and drive to pursue our wildest dreams. This is the ego that’s necessary to thrive.

While ego death is necessary for rebirth, total denial at the necessity of ego to thrive in this realm feels very new age “love and light” only. While understanding ego is tied up in semantics and nuance, refusing to see and integrate the “dark” is refusing to fully do the self work—bypassing, if you will. Total ego denial is limiting yourself, enabling becoming a victim to life by forsaking the structure that creates freedom and power to do. Read that line again.

Ego & Identity

Now that we’re on the same page about ego and its necessity, we can circle back to the ego we must kill! Well, not really, but we do need to become aware of the unconscious patterns at play to transcend them and understand why we feel, act, and react the way we do. Unfortunately, this is deeply ingrained and related to identity.

What do you identify as? We have universal labels: daughter/son, mother/father, friend, lover/partner, etc. Career labels: white/blue collar, accountant, coordinator, digital nomad, finance bro, etc. Hobby-based labels: yogi, runner, swimmer, fashionista, guitarist, etc. Socioeconomic status: poor, rich, middle class, etc. We even have labels for ourselves based on how we prefer others to view us: free spirit, boss babe, cool girl, nerd, hippie, etc. And even systems of identification: astrology, human design, gene keys, Myers Briggs…

Every facet of how we view ourselves and interact with the world around us in some way or another is tied back to identity.

When bringing aspects of your ego to light, it’s integral to ask: what parts of your identity are attached to you and what parts are you attached to? That’s a hard question and the answer is probably all??? So, let’s digest that a little differently. What parts of your identity are you and what parts are superimposed onto you? As in, what parts feel like given labels, or programs, or shoulds, or expectations, or desires to be perceived in certain ways?

What parts of your identity are based on your perception of how you're perceived? What parts of your identity are purely your identity based on status? What parts are you holding on to that are materialistic?

These, my friend, are the areas of ego and identity to reflect on to determine how attached you actually are (is this you and your beliefs), or is this societal conditioning or programming that is pushing you to believe you need to have, behave, work, look, etc. a certain way. Ergo, the ego that must be killed… because it was never yours in the first place.

Let’s view this through a notoriously difficult topic to talk about: money! Why? Attachment. And, money is the perfect example of playing with the two sides of the ego.

Duality of Money

We all want more money, or at least see the value having more money offers, whether that be less stress or more freedom. Money is deeply tied to security, which relates to your root chakra—the foundation of your being. In regard to attachment and money, you need security and safety and having food on the table. These are all very real needs (literally the base and foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy). There’s a reason attachment is here.

When on the spiritual path, money can feel like a double-edged sword. On one hand, you recognize how arbitrary it is—it only has value because we’ve collectively assigned it value. The chase for money feels silly and is the root of a lot of pain and suffering. The real gold of life isn’t found in physical gold.

But, understanding the duality is recognizing that money is necessary to live and is a modality of freedom, providing the opportunity to thrive. I prefer to not think of money as money (as in something owned and tangible), rather, money is better defined as currency (something that is in circulation as a medium of exchange, i.e., a means to an end).

We all have a money story. Maybe it’s the harder I work, the more money I will make. Or, I’m just not that good with money, every time I seem to get money, it disappears. Or even, my parents feel this way about money and I’ve subconsciously adopted their views around money. That last one is real fun to unpack and let go of attachment to LOL.

It sounds like I’m playing devil’s advocate… but I’m not, no thing is mutually exclusive. So, let’s tie this all back together in a way that makes sense through the lens of acting from the ego.

When desiring more and more money just to have it or to fill some void within self to feel safe or more worthy or valuable, money is feeding the ego we strive to kill. If you find yourself playing into this type of story with money, this is where letting go of attachment is key. Do you really desire to have all the money or do you desire the freedom more money offers? Or, has society influenced you to believe you have more status with more money in your bank account? Status is perceived, it is not real (don’t tell the Jones that, or it’ll break the consumeristic simulation and perceived hierarchy).

Going back to security, are you operating from a lack or fear mindset? As in, you’ve never “had enough” so you need to desperately grasp every penny that comes your way. Money is energy, the more it flows and the less it’s defined within identity, the more abundant it is. If you are always telling yourself that you don’t have enough money, you’re going to feel like you never have enough money. If you let go of attachment and reframe the conversation to I always have enough money to pay my bills, some how, some way, you will always have enough… even if that’s just changing your spending habits. The universe is always conspiring in your favor, you just like to get wrapped up in the melodrama of your life.

Since we’re already on the topic of money, let’s discuss the grey area.

So you’re a spiritual being and you understand how money is arbitrary, yet, you still desire the finer things in life. I’ll use myself as an example, I’m a little bougie—I love fashion and aesthetic and surrounding myself with nice things. On one hand, this could be considered a shadow side of my ego requiring reflection and truly asking how much of this is performative and for status? On the other hand, I see fashion and design as a creative outlet and a form of self expression, something I really enjoy indulging in and an opportunity to curate part of my identity that I like to share.

Now, not everything needs a deeper reason or explanation, but when trying to let go of attachment (and attachment to items that really aren’t important in the grand scheme of things) some contemplation around the drive to acquire certain things or look a certain way is required. Without awareness and acknowledgement, these aspects stay in the shadow.

Ultimately, life is meant to be experienced to the fullest and money is a means to an end. There is nothing wrong or bad with liking nice things or expensive trips. What you surround yourself with is a reflection of you to an extent. You are no less spiritual because you dress in expensive clothing or are fortunate to travel the world. And you are no more spiritual if you abstain from all things for a life of contemplative meditation (talk about a purity hierarchy). It all comes down to the internal contents of your soul and the root of your desire. Ask yourself where does the desire come from? Do I desire this because it ensures I’m perceived in a certain way? Or, do I desire this for the experience?

If you are walking the path of your soul, you are just as happy on a yacht with all the luxuries at your fingertips as you are on the shore with nothing but a broken sandal because you are experiencing the water.

Okay, back to the other side of the coin. Complete acquiescence of desire for money leaves us in a state of depravation. Unless you’re a monk living off grid in some temple (in which case you probably wouldn’t have access to this article), you give away your power and ability to fully act as a sovereign being and be the creator.

You don’t need all the money all the time, but you do need enough to be secure in your base needs—without ensuring your base needs are met, you aren’t able to transcend to higher octaves. Again, money is currency (so is attention), it’s a means to an end, it needs to flow through your possession (just like your energy) to get you to where you want to be.

You can’t accomplish your dreams with good intention alone. As we are physical beings, we need the assistance of a physical currency in flow.

So, ask yourself: why do I feel this way about money? What is my attachment to money? What are my actual needs that are necessary to take care of myself and what are my desires for the type of life want to live? Needs don’t fluctuate, desires do. This is a great area of self-reflection. What attachment do you have to the program and why is that attachment there? Is the attachment there because it's kept you safe, as in it's related to the money you're making?

Seeking Security

On the topic of securing yourself in the money you make, the real question is are you seeking security outside of yourself and where can you then find that security within yourself?

As discussed, while there is definitely a physical sense of security that is required (hierarchy of needs), most security in the egoic sense is self-derived, relating to how we think about ourselves. Ego is necessary to create security within self.

The integrated ego doesn’t need the outside world to provide a sense of security, worth, or value.

We’re notoriously not perfect, it’s normal to slip into a fear mindset occasionally. Become so secure in yourself that it doesn’t matter what happens (letting go of attachment) and it doesn’t matter what comes your way, you will be able to overcome it. It doesn't even matter what skills are needed, you are adaptable to utilize your skills in a way that will get you to any ends that you desire. And that is you taking your power back. You hold your power and are not looking for someone else to give it to you or validate it.

Working with Your Ego to Impact in the World

So, we’ve covered how important it is to employ your ego as a servant to the soul, working hand-in-hand to impact in the world. I have one last doozy of a consideration for you in regard to ego-driven attachment.

Do you find yourself asking: How does my work define me? And further, do you need your work to define you? Think about that.

Let's flip the lens. Removing yourself from the work that’s needed to take care of base-level security, we move onto soul-led work—the work we do for the pure love of doing it and expansion of self. The actual question you should be asking is: How do you define the world with your work?

Outside stuff does not need to define you, and you don't need to define yourself at all… you are so expansive. In the Brahman and Atman sense, there needs to be no definition. The definition is only the perception that you feel attached to from the society that we live in. So I ask again, how do you define the world with your work?

The impact of your work does not define you, you define it. And without ego, that impact is never actualized.

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This is just a brief contemplation on the dueling egos, there are many other considerations and arguments to be made on how the ego expresses and interacts. What are your thoughts on this topic? I’d love to hear your perspective.

I’d also like to thank my dear friend, Amy, who inspired this post! We’ve had many deep conversations on this topic and just started a podcast together! In our most recent episode, we have a similar conversation focused on specifically identity and attachment!  Check out Untethered Podcast on Spotify.