To Love Again… | Poetry
I’m back! Funny that as much as I talk about cycles and patterns, I, too, forget that I am a creature of nature and must winter when the nights get longer and the days colder.
I’ve been exploring love, intimacy, and connection again. And, I am once again cracked open. The parts of me that I thought weren’t ready, easily coming online… along with the old wounds and eye opening activations.
New realizations constantly coming to the surface, new ways to be vulnerable, new edges to unearth, new feelings with new people.
In my hiatus, I found my heart open and pen dry with unwritten pages. Which led me to living a little more life. I found love and loss and music and friendship and hardship and dancing and crying and crisp sunrises and fiery sunsets and psychedelics and saunas and slow mornings and mundane routine… life never ceases to life.
And in the midst of everything, I came back to my journal to jot a couple scrappy words through streaming tears.
I cherish the ups and downs—feeling means I’m living. Thank you for letting me keep my heart open. For Steve ;)
Written December 2024
Melting into arms wrapped around me,
Strong and steadfast.
Gentle beating of a drum,
Reverberating pulse,
Thudding flesh and soft lips.
Pinning me down
While lifting me up.
Everything just feels right,
Like sunlight slowly kissing me
On a breezy winter day,
Like the first breath of crisp air
After total submersion.
Subtle and soft…
If I wasn’t cracked open,
I might not recognize its significance.
It’s the gentle tears of joy
And surprise flashes of happiness.
I’m sitting in awe.
All the small moments,
The heart fluttering
Open. Written January 1, 2025
Unbearable
Grief greeting me like an old friend.
Pulse thudding heavy,
Melodic throbbing betraying my heart,
No longer buried six feet under.
Dirty, scraped, bruised,
Beaten and battered.
A punching bag for hope,
Spilling the contents of my soul.
Regurgitating all the feelings of peace
I thought I had to hold.
Is this my heart splintering?
Unearthing the wounds
I so meticulously healed
And felt—
Just to die to myself once again.
Grave robbery
To awaken a thing long gone.
Is love always coupled with pain?
Is any pleasure
Just stealing from
Future peace?
And here I am on my high horse,
Letting you praise me,
As I worship you.
Sinking teeth into flesh
That has felt unimaginable pain.
Flashing smiles and shy dimples,
Marked skin the only visible reminder
Of life already lived.
And I hold your gaze,
Giving light to eyes that haven’t been opened.
Seeing the pain and fear
Masked by the tremble of flesh.
Pleasure and presence,
Too brief to mean anything.
Yet, how you made me feel
Meant everything.
Basking in your energy,
Whispering little innuendos,
Asking for depth
You don’t know if you’re ready for.
If you never really try,
You can’t really fail.
Perfectionist on the outside,
A fucking mess on the inside,
Terrified to be seen in my
Humanness.
I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Finding walls that I already tore down.
Sledgehammer to stucco,
Burry me in rubble.
I guess I’ll die again at my leisure,
Plunged to the depths of my own making.
And go down
Kicking and screaming.
Another lesson
I apparently didn’t learn.Written January 12, 2025
All I know—
The sunshine feels good on my skin,
Thawing the bits of me that froze with winter
And the disappointment of being alone.
Maybe I let myself continue to crack wide open,
Revealing my innards like content for sale.
Peeling back the layers of crusted-over skin,
Dry and cracking from lack of love and attention.
This time I didn’t lose myself to heartbreak,
I found myself in it.
An equal participant,
Bold in my needs and desires.
A new type of devotion.
I can love
And lust
And lose
And still keep living.
Dumb luck and hopeful dreams.
Desires made manifest at the tip of my tongue.
Spoken into existence,
With bowed heads and parted lips.
Like sweaty and twisted bedsheets,
And dusty altars with unburnt sage.
Praying to leave loss at the door… just once.
Flick it to the salt,
And grab a towel to clean up our mess.
Leaky energy and unfelt pain.
If I cry in your arms now,
You’ll leave me tomorrow.
Mourning the inevitable
With a loving look and gentle caress.
How can I not love you
And still lose you in the same breath?
The best journeys have unexpected destinations.
I’ve never been what we expected of me.
And we were destined to meet.
You asked for depth and spirituality
And I asked to keep my heart open and trust.
Funny that we got exactly what we asked for. Thank you for reading.
With love,
Madison